me before you, 10.1

me before you, 10
10
They looked a bit surprised. Actually, that’s an understatement. Mrs Traynor
looked stunned, and then a bit disconcerted, and then her whole face closed off.
Her daughter, curled up next to her on the sofa, just glowered - the kind of face
Mum used to warn me would stick in place if the wind changed. It wasn’t quite
the enthusiastic response I’d been hoping for.
‘But what is it you actually want to do?’
‘I don’t know yet. My sister is good at researching stuff. She’s trying to find
out what’s possible for quadriplegics. But I really wanted to find out from you
whether you would be willing to go with it.’
We were in their drawing room. It was the same room I had been interviewed
in, except this time Mrs Traynor and her daughter were perched on the sofa, their
slobbery old dog between them. Mr Traynor was standing by the fire. I was
wearing my French peasant’s jacket in indigo denim, a minidress and a pair of
army boots. With hindsight, I realized, I could have picked a more professional¬
looking uniform in which to outline my plan.
‘Let me get this straight.’ Camilla Traynor leant forward. ‘You want to take
Will away from this house.’
‘Yes.’
‘And take him on a series of “adventures”.’ She said it like I was suggesting
performing amateur keyhole surgery on him.
‘Yes. Like I said, I’m not sure what’s possible yet. But it’s about just getting
him out and about, widening his horizons. There may be some local things we
could do at first, and then hopefully something further afield before too long.’
‘Are you talking about going abroad?’
‘Abroad ... ?’ I blinked. ‘I was thinking more about maybe getting him to the
pub. Or to a show, just for starters.’
‘Will has barely left this house in two years, apart from hospital
appointments.’
‘Well, yes ... I thought I’d try and persuade him otherwise.’
‘And you would, of course, go on all these adventures with him,’ Georgina
Traynor said.
‘Look. It’s nothing extraordinary. I’m really talking about just getting him out
of the house, to start with. A walk around the castle, or a visit to the pub. If we
end up swimming with dolphins in Florida, then that’s lovely. But really I just
wanted to get him out of the house and thinking about something else.’ I didn’t
add that the mere thought of driving to the hospital in sole charge of Will was
still enough to bring me out in a cold sweat. The thought of taking him abroad
felt as likely as me running a marathon.
‘I think it’s a splendid idea,’ Mr Traynor said. ‘I think it would be marvellous
to get Will out and about. You know it can’t have been good for him staring at
the four walls day in and day out.’
‘We have tried to get him out, Steven,’ Mrs Traynor said. ‘It’s not as if we’ve
left him in there to rot. I’ve tried again and again.’
‘I know that, darling, but we haven’t been terribly successful, have we? If
Louisa here can think up things that Will is prepared to try, then that can only be
a good thing, surely?’
‘Yes, well, “prepared to try” being the operative phrase.’
‘It’s just an idea,’ I said. I felt suddenly irritated. I could see what she was
thinking. ‘If you don’t want me to do it... ’
‘ ... you’ll leave?’ She looked straight at me.
I didn’t look away. She didn’t frighten me any more. Because I knew now she
was no better than me. She was a woman who could sit back and let her son die
right in front of her.
‘Yes, I probably will.’
‘So it’s blackmail.’
‘Georgina!’
‘Well, let’s not beat around the bush here, Daddy.’
I sat up a little straighten ‘No. Not blackmail. It’s about what I’m prepared to
be part of. I can’t sit by and just quietly wait out the time
until... Will ... well ... ’ My voice tailed off.
We all stared at our cups of tea.
'Like I said/ Mr Traynor said firmly. ‘I think it’s a very good idea. If you can
get Will to agree to it, I can’t see that there’s any harm at all. I’d love the idea of
him going on holiday. Just ... just let us know what you need us to do.’
‘I’ve got an idea.’ Mrs Traynor put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder.
'Perhaps you could go on holiday with them, Georgina.’
'Fine by me,’ I said. It was. Because my chances of getting Will away on
holiday were about the same as me competing on Mastermind.
Georgina Traynor shifted uncomfortably in her seat. ‘I can’t. You know I start
my new job in two weeks. I won’t be able to come over to England again for a
bit once I’ve started.’
‘You’re going back to Australia?’
‘Don’t sound so surprised. I did tell you this was just a visit.’
‘I just thought that... given ... given recent events, you might want to stay
here a bit longer.’ Camilla Traynor stared at her daughter in a way she never
stared at Will, no matter how rude he was to her.
‘It’s a really good job, Mummy. It’s the one I’ve been working towards for the
last two years.’ She glanced over at her father. ‘I can’t put my whole life on hold
just because of Will’s mental state.’
There was a long silence.
‘This isn’t fair. If it was me in the chair, would you have asked Will to put all
his plans on hold?’
Mrs Traynor didn’t look at her daughter. I glanced down at my list, reading
and rereading the first paragraph.
‘I have a life too, you know.’ It came out like a protest.
‘Let’s discuss this some other time.’ Mr Traynor’s hand landed on his
daughter’s shoulder and squeezed it gently.
‘Yes, let’s.’ Mrs Traynor began to shuffle the papers in front of her. ‘Right,
then. I propose we do it like this. I want to know everything you are planning,’
she said, looking up at me. ‘I want to do the costings and, if possible, I’d like a
schedule so that I can try and plan some time off to come along with you. I have
some unused holiday entitlement left that I can -’
‘No.’
We all turned to look at Mr Traynor. He was stroking the dog’s head and his
expression was gentle, but his voice was firm. ‘No. I don’t think you should go,
Camilla. Will should be allowed to do this by himself.’
‘Will can’t do it by himself, Steven. There is an awful lot that needs to be
considered when Will goes anywhere. It’s complicated. I don’t think we can
really leave it to -’
‘No, darling,’ he repeated. ‘Nathan can help, and Louisa can manage just
fine.’
‘But -’
‘Will needs to be allowed to feel like a man. That is not going to be possible if
his mother - or his sister, for that matter - is always on hand.’
I felt briefly sorry for Mrs Traynor then. She still wore that haughty look of
hers, but I could see underneath that she seemed a little lost, as if she couldn’t
quite understand what her husband was doing. Her hand went to her necklace.
‘I will make sure he’s safe,’ I said. ‘And I will let you know everything we’re
planning on doing, well in advance.’
Her jaw was so rigid that a little muscle was visible just underneath her
cheekbone. I wondered if she actually hated me then.
‘I want Will to want to live too,’ I said, finally.
‘We do understand that,’ Mr Traynor said. ‘And we do appreciate your
determination. And discretion.’ I wondered whether that word was in relation to
Will, or something else entirely, and then he stood up and I realized that it was
my signal to leave. Georgina and her mother still sat on the sofa, saying nothing.
I got the feeling there was going to be a whole lot more conversation once I was
out of the room.
‘Right, then,’ I said. ‘I’ll draw you up the paperwork as soon as I’ve worked it
all out in my head. It will be soon. We haven’t much ... ’
Mr Traynor patted my shoulder.
‘I know. Just let us know what you come up with,’ he said.
Treena was blowing on her hands, her feet moving involuntarily up and down, as
if marching on the spot. She was wearing my dark-green beret, which,
annoyingly, looked much better on her than it did on me. She leant over and
pointed at the list she had just pulled from her pocket, and handed it to me.
‘You’re probably going to have to scratch number three, or at least put that off
until it gets warmer.’
I checked the list. ‘Quadriplegic basketball? I’m not even sure if he likes
basketball.’
‘That’s not the point. Bloody hell, it’s cold up here.’ She pulled the beret lower
over her ears. ‘The point is, it will give him a chance to see what’s possible. He
can see that there are other people just as badly off as him who are doing sports
and things.’
‘I’m not sure. He can’t even lift a cup. I think these people must be paraplegic.
I can’t see that you could throw a ball without the use of your arms.’
‘You’re missing the point. He doesn’t have to actually do anything, but it’s
about widening his horizons, right? We’re letting him see what other
handicapped people are doing.’
‘If you say so.’
A low murmur rose in the crowd. The runners had been sighted, some distance
away. If I went on to tiptoes, I could just make them out, probably two miles
away, down in the valley, a small block of bobbing white dots forcing their way
through the cold along a damp, grey road. I glanced at my watch. We had been
standing here on the brow of the aptly named Windy Hill for almost forty
minutes, and I could no longer feel my feet.
‘I’ve looked up what’s local and, if you didn’t want to drive too far, there’s a
match at the sports centre in a couple of weeks. He could even have a bet on the
result.’
‘Betting?’
‘That way he could get a bit involved without even having to play. Oh look,
there they are. How long do you think they’ll take to get to us?’
We stood by the finish. Above our heads a tarpaulin banner announcing the
‘Spring Triathlon Finish Line’ flapped wanly in the stiff breeze.
‘Dunno. Twenty minutes? Longer? I’ve got an emergency Mars Bar if you
want to share.’ I reached into my pocket. It was impossible to stop the list
flapping with only one hand. ‘So what else did you come up with?’
‘You said you wanted to go further afield, right?’ She pointed at my fingers.
‘You’ve given yourself the bigger bit.’
‘Take this bit then. I think the family think I’m free-loading.’
‘What, because you want to take him on a few crummy days out? Jesus. They
should be grateful someone’s making the effort. It’s not like they are.’
Treena took the other piece of Mars Bar. ‘Anyway. Number five, I think it is.
There’s a computer course that he could do. They put a thing on their head with,
like, a stick on it, and they nod their head to touch the keyboard. There are loads
of quadriplegic groups online. He could make lots of new friends that way. It
would mean he doesn’t always have to actually leave the house. I even spoke to
a couple on the chatrooms. They seemed nice. Quite -’ she shrugged ‘- normal.’
We ate our Mars Bar halves in silence, watching as the group of miserable-
looking runners drew closer. I couldn’t see Patrick. I never could. He had the
kind of face that became instantly invisible in crowds.
She pointed at the bit of paper.
‘Anyway, head for the cultural section. There’s a concert specially for people
with disabilities here. You said he’s cultured, right? Well, he could just sit there
and be transported by the music. That’s meant to take you out of yourself, right?
Derek with the moustache, at work, told me about it. He said it can get noisy
because of the really disabled people who yell a bit, but I’m sure he’d still enjoy
it.’